2009 Oscars Undressed! The Worst

Bow Retreat, Bow Surrender: Amanda Seyfried has made an impressive climb up the Hollywood food chain, parlaying a second-banana spot as the dead best friend on “Veronica Mars” and the dizzy blonde in “Mean Girls” into a role on “Big Love.” Then came her big break: emoting and warbling opposite Meryl Streep in “Mamma Mia!,” which helped land the dainty-faced starlet the lead in the upcoming Oscar Wilde period piece “A Woman of No Importance.” And somewhere in there, she fell in love with her “Mamma” leading man, Dominic Cooper. Given all that, it wouldn’t be a stretch to think that Amanda considers her rapidly rising star a real gift. But what is a stretch is the idea that she needs to interpret that image literally. Big red bows are great if you’re looking to surprise someone with a brand new car, but actresses are not merchandise to be unwrapped and squealed over. And have we already forgotten our Oscar fashion faux pas history? If carting around a bow that could eat Pittsburgh ended with the leggy likes of Charlize Theron being declared a disaster zone, there can be no hope for anyone else.

Mileystones: In the world according to Miley Cyrus, those who would criticize her for making a “goofy,” pulled face are simply trying to turn her into the “new bad girl,” and anyone who finds her close relationship with dad Billy Ray “weird” is just “full of anger, hatred and bitterness.” Oh, and she hopes to win an Oscar next year for the latest “Hannah Montana” movie, which she says is totally “deep.” With such Teflon-like self-confidence, the 16-year-old starlet would probably turn a deaf ear to any barbs directed at her straight-off-the-runway silk chiffon beaded ball gown. Such as how we’re dying to hang our most precious “Hannah Montana” Christmas ornaments from her tiered barnacled scalloped skirt, or how that belt looked a lot better on the poseable Wonder Woman action figure it came from. But Miley’s pursed lips clearly indicate that she will not tolerate negativity, and because whatever Miley wants Miley gets, we hereby enthusiastically state that this stunning ivory Zuhair Murad number is in no way too grown-up, and is, in fact, the perfect ensemble for an excessively secure Disney princess to stand out in at the Oscars.

Lip Shtick: Lisa Rinna’s post-Oscar to-do list: 1) Untie Miss Clairol and return the truckload of hot rollers hijacked in preparation for the big day; 2) Send a thank-you note to Chili’s for creating the “Awesome Blossom,” the inspiration behind my awesome ‘do; 3) Make sure to tip hairstylist generously enough so that no worker’s comp claim is filed over the carpal tunnel injury caused by the hours of curling and the multiple fainting spells brought on by the fumes from the Aquanet and rubber cement mixture needed to keep mane in place; 4) Check to see how much blush pink lipstick remains in drum sent over from the good folks at Revlon. Recycle remaining few gallons; 5) Contact engineers at Goodyear to schedule appointment for lip de-blimpification process. Try to avoid whacking nose with dangerously puffed-up puss in the meantime; 6) Start charitable fund for those who watched me on the red carpet and are now suffering from recurring nightmares in which they’re being sucked into a flapping pink vortex of raw liver and Bubble Yum.

Klum With a View: We really wanted to like Heidi Klum’s unfurling frock, with its sharp, origami-like edges standing at attention and ready to poke at anyone who comes too close to the “Project Runway” supermogul. It turns out there’s an altruistic side to her angular attire: For the second year in a row, she’s wearing red for Diet Coke’s Heart Truth campaign, which aims to raise awareness of heart disease in women. Klum even designed a special diamond and ruby Diet Coke charm, which is buried somewhere within the coral bracelets stacked on her left arm (or possibly hidden within the sconces doubling as earrings and dangerously weighing down her lobes). But much as we like Heidi, and charity, and Heidi doing her part for charity in a gown slit to an area where only Seal is allowed to trespass, this Roland Mouret number does nothing for her statuesque figure. Plus, there’s the not-inconsequential matter of Klum’s roots, which she’s seemingly eager to get back to in the worst way. On either side of her temples, she’s said auf wiedersehen to her blond locks and offered up a rousing howdy to icky patches of brown, which only make her slicked-back, flat-ironed scarecrow straw coif that much worse.

Urn Over a New Leaf: Are you kidding us with this, Beyoncé? It seems you learned nothing from our three-part lecture series on how to avoid putting the “ack!” in tacky, because here you are on the red carpet, wedged into a hideous, hermetically sealed vase masquerading as a black and gold leaf mermaid gown. Not surprisingly, this eyesore is yet another misstep from your mother’s House of Deréon fashion collection. Look, Bey, it’s time to face up to the fact that, consciously or not, your mom may not have your best style interests at heart (read: She may secretly hate you). Yes, the dress showcases your to-die-for curves, but at what cost? Elegance and mobility have been sacrificed so you can strike your characteristically labored pose in this flared, floral monstrosity, which should be worn only if a) Your alter ego Sasha Fierce is itching to get into a knock-down, drag-out catfight with Krystle and Alexis on a very special episode of “Dynasty” or b) You’re about to have your portrait painted on black velvet, perhaps with a pack of dogs playing poker in the background. But don’t worry: It’s not all bad news. If our sight line remains firmly focused above your décolletage, your accessories-light look and pulled-back hair highlight your silky skin, toned shoulders and comely visage. We just can’t look down too suddenly or the juxtaposition from pretty to painfully passé is sure to give us whiplash.

Strapless Blah: There are certain adjectives that should never be associated with an Oscar gown. Among them: droopy, frumpy and dinner napkin-y. Alas, Jessica Biel hits that tragic trifecta in a Prada column so dull and drab it could replace the usual dingy gym socks as the yucky “before” example in a Tide commercial. Oh, if only a capful of detergent would make the starlet’s gown emerge looking more dazzling than her performance in her last major big-screen release, the award-bait epic “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry.” OK, bad choice, but a spin cycle could only help Biel’s desperately shapeless, dirty water-tinted couture, which not only ruins one of the most enviable figures in Hollywood (we’re pretty sure she had boobs at one point) but also makes us wonder whether inflating the wilted balloon hanging forlornly from her bodice would perk things up (we’re voting yes). Jess keeps up the lifeless look with her flaccid locks, styling an unctuous coif so lethargic that boyfriend Justin Timberlake was presumably overcome by the tress torpor and decided to sleep it off in the limo.

The Blouse of Sand and Fog: Tilda Swinton is a force of nature, and a force of nature cannot be dissected by something as blunt as a best- and worst-dressed list. Unfortunately, there is no list for ethereal, uber-cool fashion nonconformists, so, as much as it pains us, worst-dressed list it is. The statuesque, blond-topped thespian goes a-gathering on the red carpet in a draping Lanvin getup, modeling a pantyhose-colored silk blouse with a black satin skirt accented with a me-Tarzan-you-Jane loincloth-like ruffle. It’s kooky. It’s idiosyncratic. In short, it’s utterly Swinton, who completes her typically unconventional look with gold bangles and dramatic smear of red lipstick, a nice change from the stark, face paint-free visage she turned up in last year to collect her Oscar.

Blame It on Leo: Normally, we’d be curious over which came first: Melissa Leo’s disastrously fitted baby poo-hued dress or her tinted-to-match ‘do? But then we got a look at her necklace and forgot all about her execrable evening wear. Who cares if the “Frozen River” actress is a copper cataclysm when there’s a bejeweled spider dangling above her cleavage? So many questions come to mind: Is this whimsical jewelry choice prompted by a childhood love for “Charlotte’s Web”? Is she gunning for a role in the next “Spider-Man” movie? Or is she a devoted fan of John Goodman’s underrated work in “Arachnophobia”? We need answers, people.

Cheetah Hurl: Before we judge Whoopi Goldberg too harshly for donning a housecoat from Blanche Devereaux’s sexy sexagenarian line, it’s important to remember a few things. For one, this is far from the worst outfit the Oscar winner-turned-center square-turned-”View” co-host has worn to the ceremony (who can forget the year she styled satin capri pants under a purple-people-eating gown?). For another, the Whoopster spends day after day refereeing what passes as intellectual discourse between Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Sherri Shepherd, so she should be commended for managing to hold onto even a sliver of her sanity. Alas, that sliver couldn’t shout down the crazy, which somehow convinced her that there’s nothing more fashionable on Hollywood’s biggest night than a leopard-print muumuu.

Nipped in the Bud: Memo to Sharon Stone. From: Your nipples. Subject: Our retirement plans. Hey Sharon. Long time, no talk. Look, we know things ended badly after that whole “Basic Instinct 2″ fiasco, when the two of us were nominated for Worst Onscreen Couple. Things were said that couldn’t be unsaid. But we want you to know that we’re really sorry, especially that crack we made about our plans to head south, just like your career and fashion sense. Obviously, that was an empty threat, because there we are on camera at an Oscar bash, looking pert as ever. Which brings us to the reason why we’re writing. Sharon, we’re going to turn 51 in a few days — that’s 102 combined. We’re not sure how to tell you this, so we’ll just say it: We’re done with public appearances. Don’t get us wrong — it was fun for a while. We saw flashbulbs from all over the world and discovered that Michael Douglas has a very gentle touch. But it’s time to pack it in and find some peace and quiet, perhaps inside a nice padded bra. Just think about it, Sharon. You need us as much as we need you. Let’s help each other out for once, like real bosom buddies. Whaddya say?

Source: MSN